Conference and stuff
Well, I just caught up reading Rachel's blog! She's written THREE times since the conference and I haven't written once. Although I'm a little put out that MY pic isn't up. WhatEVer.
Okay, I LOVED Karen Ball, but I have a confession to make. one of my all time most hated sayings in the WHOLE world is "It's all good" So I had to grit my teeth a few times and appreciate the meaning behind the saying. For me that was this: All things work together for good for those who are in Christ Jesus and are called according to his purpose. I absolutely hated parts of the weekend. I didn't like it that I was right in the same hotel as my friends and still missed them because we were all so busy. I didn't like it that Anne Goldsmith missed the conference and that Susan Downs had to go home early. I resented that God had to correct me to "let go" of one of my best friends. Someone I strive to be like, someone who is so far above me I can only reach for the jewel she is.
I cry just thinking about it. I think I'm not a good friend to her sometimes. I don't share how important she is to me. I should do that more. (now all my friends are going to to play the disciples..."Is it I?" LOL don't be so uh-raw-gant)
Anyway, God had a purpose for the way I felt the entire conference. He knew I had to force myself to walk into the room every single day. He knew I felt inadequate, insecure, so frumpy next to Brandilyn and uncool next to Karen and a bad singer next to Tammy and Rachel. UGH. It really isn't about me is it? He was doing a deep work in me. Deeper than I realized until today. I was at an armour bearer's conference and someone asked me if I had fun at the ACFW conference. NO!! I wish I loved it like everyone seems to have. I wish I felt like a success. i wish I could smile and ooh and ahh, but the main thing I got was from Tammy Alexander's testimony. God's will be done. When Karen expounded on it, I could only weep. My heart is so full of I, me's an Mine's. I want what I want. I resent having to be a leader when I SUCK at leadership. I'm disorganized, emotional, controlling, fake my way through just about every decision and wish almost every day that god would just release me and let me slink into the background. UGH. I'm a bawlbaby. But I agonize to remember our member's names and I'm so worried I'll offend someone if I have to look at a nametag of someone I should know well after four conferences. And then there was a feedback sheet. OH MAN. Someone (anonymous--I have my opinion about anonymous criticism, but that doesn't diminish the truth of the venomous words) heard the ACFW "leadership" gossip. OUCH!! I'm sure they heard it. And it was most likely me. Man I have a big mouth. I have stinky opinions that God absolutely hates. Who am I to have opinions about the apple of his eye? Am I closer to his heart than any one of my other brothers and sisters? That's a no brainer. So if that anonymous person is reading this...I apologize from the bottom of my heart and God is dealing with me in certain areas where I can so easily fall into temptation.
Next weekend I'm going to a Joyce Meyer conference in St. Louis, so provided the New Madrid fault behaves and doesn't cause a St. Louis leveling earthquake, I'm expecting to hear from God
I did have some fun moments---Time with Steve Laube during our very unprepared for joint LNC. , a quick conversation with Shannon just before she left and I realized what a kindred spirit she is. NEXT time you're hanging out with us, Shannon! TIme with my editors at different moments. All precious bonding times. Oh my gosh, Rachel mentioned the night we laughed in my suite...our crazy group of sisterchicks...Aheem. ROFLOL Chris you are the best! Listening to Susie read her first chapter of a new series that is embedded deep in her heart and soul and the one that will make her a household name. Dinner with Susan Downs in the suite while the rest of the gang went to watch Gilmore Girls. I'll cherish that evening. Saturday night music practice with Gail, Greg, Susie, and Shadow while poor Billy Wyatt just wanted us to go to bed and Gregory video-taped for the heck of it. By 1 am we were hysterical with laughter and still not getting the timing right for ht efast song. But what FUN. Meeting Heather Tipton in person and stealing her last name for my new heroine. I still bounce with I say Tipton
I hope I learned my lessons and that God continues to mold me, change me, love me, encourage me, make me into the woman He sees when he looks at me. I don't know, I have so far to go.
I probably shared too much. But then I figure only about six people read the blog anyway. :)
And you all already know I'm leadership challenged. ONLY the grace of God....
Love lots.
Okay, I LOVED Karen Ball, but I have a confession to make. one of my all time most hated sayings in the WHOLE world is "It's all good" So I had to grit my teeth a few times and appreciate the meaning behind the saying. For me that was this: All things work together for good for those who are in Christ Jesus and are called according to his purpose. I absolutely hated parts of the weekend. I didn't like it that I was right in the same hotel as my friends and still missed them because we were all so busy. I didn't like it that Anne Goldsmith missed the conference and that Susan Downs had to go home early. I resented that God had to correct me to "let go" of one of my best friends. Someone I strive to be like, someone who is so far above me I can only reach for the jewel she is.
I cry just thinking about it. I think I'm not a good friend to her sometimes. I don't share how important she is to me. I should do that more. (now all my friends are going to to play the disciples..."Is it I?" LOL don't be so uh-raw-gant)
Anyway, God had a purpose for the way I felt the entire conference. He knew I had to force myself to walk into the room every single day. He knew I felt inadequate, insecure, so frumpy next to Brandilyn and uncool next to Karen and a bad singer next to Tammy and Rachel. UGH. It really isn't about me is it? He was doing a deep work in me. Deeper than I realized until today. I was at an armour bearer's conference and someone asked me if I had fun at the ACFW conference. NO!! I wish I loved it like everyone seems to have. I wish I felt like a success. i wish I could smile and ooh and ahh, but the main thing I got was from Tammy Alexander's testimony. God's will be done. When Karen expounded on it, I could only weep. My heart is so full of I, me's an Mine's. I want what I want. I resent having to be a leader when I SUCK at leadership. I'm disorganized, emotional, controlling, fake my way through just about every decision and wish almost every day that god would just release me and let me slink into the background. UGH. I'm a bawlbaby. But I agonize to remember our member's names and I'm so worried I'll offend someone if I have to look at a nametag of someone I should know well after four conferences. And then there was a feedback sheet. OH MAN. Someone (anonymous--I have my opinion about anonymous criticism, but that doesn't diminish the truth of the venomous words) heard the ACFW "leadership" gossip. OUCH!! I'm sure they heard it. And it was most likely me. Man I have a big mouth. I have stinky opinions that God absolutely hates. Who am I to have opinions about the apple of his eye? Am I closer to his heart than any one of my other brothers and sisters? That's a no brainer. So if that anonymous person is reading this...I apologize from the bottom of my heart and God is dealing with me in certain areas where I can so easily fall into temptation.
Next weekend I'm going to a Joyce Meyer conference in St. Louis, so provided the New Madrid fault behaves and doesn't cause a St. Louis leveling earthquake, I'm expecting to hear from God
I did have some fun moments---Time with Steve Laube during our very unprepared for joint LNC. , a quick conversation with Shannon just before she left and I realized what a kindred spirit she is. NEXT time you're hanging out with us, Shannon! TIme with my editors at different moments. All precious bonding times. Oh my gosh, Rachel mentioned the night we laughed in my suite...our crazy group of sisterchicks...Aheem. ROFLOL Chris you are the best! Listening to Susie read her first chapter of a new series that is embedded deep in her heart and soul and the one that will make her a household name. Dinner with Susan Downs in the suite while the rest of the gang went to watch Gilmore Girls. I'll cherish that evening. Saturday night music practice with Gail, Greg, Susie, and Shadow while poor Billy Wyatt just wanted us to go to bed and Gregory video-taped for the heck of it. By 1 am we were hysterical with laughter and still not getting the timing right for ht efast song. But what FUN. Meeting Heather Tipton in person and stealing her last name for my new heroine. I still bounce with I say Tipton
I hope I learned my lessons and that God continues to mold me, change me, love me, encourage me, make me into the woman He sees when he looks at me. I don't know, I have so far to go.
I probably shared too much. But then I figure only about six people read the blog anyway. :)
And you all already know I'm leadership challenged. ONLY the grace of God....
Love lots.
posted by Tracey Bateman at 7:21 PM
2 Comments:
"I hope I learned my lessons and that God continues to mold me, change me, love me, encourage me, make me into the woman He sees when he looks at me. I don't know, I have so far to go."
That sooo could be me saying that!
Should I let it go to my head that you remembered my name? LOL 'tis an honor.
"He knew I had to force myself to walk into the room every single day. He knew I felt inadequate, insecure,"
Oh that was sooo me. And dang it. God made me be an extrovert the whole time I was there. And I'm soooo not that normally! I love being in the background. Love being my introvert self. Love being a hermit.
Honey, you don't realize how annointed y'alls singing was. And it wasn't like they were carrying you, you were leading them. You were great. (I only wish I could have you around every day for worship! I sooo love good worship. That comes from the heart. That the people leading it aren't full of ego, they just want to worship the Lord and allow Him to have his way through it.)
" I resent having to be a leader when I SUCK at leadership."
Has it ever occurred to you that you make the best kind of leader? In your weakness He is strong and all that. He is able to use you more in your suckyness than if you were this greatly gifted leader that never has to rely on God because they know it all. You are in the position you are in because God wants you there and there is something in you that this group needs.
Hey Girl,
I love your wide open heart. We all understand making mistakes, slipping into our weaknesses - you know I do. Repent is my middle name some days.
Great post! Now our motto is forgetting what lies behind and pressing forward to what lies ahead! It's all good, all covered by the blood. :)
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