Wasted opportunity?

I woke up this morning remembering something that happened when I was a kid. I used to dream about this all the time, but haven't in years.

When I was about 4 years old, my mom, me, my best friend who was a year older than me, and her mom went to a concert of the Bill Gaither Trio (yes it was that long ago). At one point Bill Gaither looked up into the section where we were sitting and pointed at me. He wanted me to come down and sing This Little Light of Mine. They tried to coax me down onto the stage, but it wasn't happening. So my best friend got to do it instead. MAN. I've regretted that all my life.

I think somehow it became a defining moment for me. we've been talking about fear of failure on the ACFW loop. Even back then I was afraid of failing. Because guess what? I didn't know the song very well. If I had, I'd have gone. About three or four years ago I made a decision that I would NEVER be motivated by fear again. That I would rather do something afraid than not do it and miss an opportunity.

Be brave. Don't miss opportunities.
I sent a new proposal to my agent today. He sent it off. I'm nervous. But the opportunity for pushing away the nerves and trying something new might be a great opportunity.
If Not. There's something else on the horizon

Peace

new direction

Well, this isn't my time to get to a Joyce Meyer conference, darn it. I'm out $200, but it can't be helped. Stevan, my 11 yr old, has strep and I think I probably do too. Body aches, fever, sore throat. I swear I've been sick since I came home from the conference with one thing or another. I think that's why I haven't been able to process all the great times I had. Steve says it's after conference burn out and he's got it too.

I look forward to listening to the conference MP3s I think that;ll get me happy again. :) Besides I obvously had to miss some. I want to listen to ALL the continuing sessions. I was in Brandilyn's but I am not vain enough to think I don't have some problems that couldn't be helped by a beginner class...an intermediate class, and of course I'm interested in Chip's advanced class. He's so funny.

Watched Robots with my kids. Why do adult makers of chidren's movies have to add crudities to children's movies? It just grieves me. For instance, they're robots, right? So they get a baby "delivered" to them. The dad robot is rushing home and when he gets there his wife robot says, "I'm sorry honey, you missed the delivery," He's all disappointed until she holds up a box of robot parts and says, "But don't worry, making a baby is the best part anyway." Now gee whiz. That's sort of funny and my husband and I would laugh at something like that. But I don't want my kids having to deal with sexual inuendo in a movie marketed in their direction. It's no wonder we have 8 year old porn addicts. It's just ridiculous.

On to happier topics. The best book I've read lately is Last Light by Terri Blackstock. Everyone MUST buy this book. I truly believe God spoke to her to write that book so that it would come out at this time. Something in nature has caused some kind of blip somewhere in the atmospher and all electronics cease to work. No cars run, no phones, no electricity. It's like in a moment in time, people go from what we have today to back 150 years. It's very timely considering all the events with Katrina and Rita and God knows what's to come. I don't necessarily agree wiht all of the book's theology, but terri is a magnificent writer and has a way of drawing you in to these characters. I think it's because she started out as a romance writer. Romance writers have strong characterization skills.

I read Potter Springs before Last Light. It's the new Center Street book from Warner. Anyone who wants to write a subtle Christian message to an ABA market, should really check this line out.

NOW I'm reading Over the Waters. I've been panicking the past few days because I couldn't find my autographed copy. Then I just remembered tonight that while I was packing to leave Nashville, I tucked it in my laptop case because I didn't want to take a chance on losing it if the airline lost my luggage. And since I haven't put my laptop away since I've been home, I never thought to look there. A new Deb Raney book has been a long time coming. I'm staying in bed and reading all day tomorrow. I WILL get some rest and get over this sickness. It's enough already. And it's not like I can stop reading once I start one of Deb Raney's books anyway. Know what I mean? (I know Deb sometimes reads my blog and this could be considered sucking up, but I would just like to say, it is NOT, Miss Deb. You know how we are about your books) Thank you thank you thank you for finally coming out with another one.

Okay, my commercials for the great books I've recently read are now over. Back to your regularly scheduled programming. I hope you're all reading great books you bought at the conference.

Peace.

Count Down to Joyce

I'm going to Joyce Meyer's conference this weekend. I believe God provided it at this time because he knew I'd come home drained and stay drained after ACFW conference. I am going with a group of friends from church. Staying Thursday night and Friday night. I'm trying to gather the courage to leave my laptop at home. :) Not sure I have the moxy to do it. Three days without mail? Hmmm. Not sure that's going to happen. We'll see. The schedule for this conference is much more forgiving than ACFW. There are only two meetings a day, one in the morning and one at night like Sundays at church for most people. So we'll have afternoons free. What else am I going to do if I don't haev my computer? Our seats are reserved because one of my friends is friends with someone who works in the ministry (can't say who). So we don't have to stand in line forever to get a decent seat.

I'm working on a new proposal right now. It's exciting and scary (not Brandilyn Collins scary, neurotic fear of failure, Tracey Bateman scary). I'm nervous about this because it's going to stretch me as an author. I want to take my writing to another level. I'm trusting God to show me how. I wanted to take time this coming year and take some time to go to conferences as an attendee, maybe read some how-to books. But it's not to be. My schedule is filling up already. Not that I'm complaining. :)

My son came home with a fever and sore throat from school today. So my other son decided to give it a shot. He stumbled over to the couch, clutching his head and screwing his face up as though in terrible pain. "Oh, mom. I have such a headache. I mean really really bad."
I took one look and knew. I'm not always so astute, but this kid tried to fake sickness the night before the first day of school. He makes straight A's, he just really wants to stay home and play Nintendo, and since he plans to make a career of testing video cames, he sees no reason to waste his days on schoolwork. He's seven years old. Anyway, he went to bed still insisting his head would explode with pain if I send him to school in the morning. It's going to be interesting to watch the show when I wake him up.

Found out today that my publisher sent out my new book COLOR OF THE SOUL today. My free copies. So I'm excited about getting those. I'll proabably be running some sort of contest for free copies of that one. I'll wait till they get here, though.

peace

Conference and stuff

Well, I just caught up reading Rachel's blog! She's written THREE times since the conference and I haven't written once. Although I'm a little put out that MY pic isn't up. WhatEVer.

Okay, I LOVED Karen Ball, but I have a confession to make. one of my all time most hated sayings in the WHOLE world is "It's all good" So I had to grit my teeth a few times and appreciate the meaning behind the saying. For me that was this: All things work together for good for those who are in Christ Jesus and are called according to his purpose. I absolutely hated parts of the weekend. I didn't like it that I was right in the same hotel as my friends and still missed them because we were all so busy. I didn't like it that Anne Goldsmith missed the conference and that Susan Downs had to go home early. I resented that God had to correct me to "let go" of one of my best friends. Someone I strive to be like, someone who is so far above me I can only reach for the jewel she is.
I cry just thinking about it. I think I'm not a good friend to her sometimes. I don't share how important she is to me. I should do that more. (now all my friends are going to to play the disciples..."Is it I?" LOL don't be so uh-raw-gant)
Anyway, God had a purpose for the way I felt the entire conference. He knew I had to force myself to walk into the room every single day. He knew I felt inadequate, insecure, so frumpy next to Brandilyn and uncool next to Karen and a bad singer next to Tammy and Rachel. UGH. It really isn't about me is it? He was doing a deep work in me. Deeper than I realized until today. I was at an armour bearer's conference and someone asked me if I had fun at the ACFW conference. NO!! I wish I loved it like everyone seems to have. I wish I felt like a success. i wish I could smile and ooh and ahh, but the main thing I got was from Tammy Alexander's testimony. God's will be done. When Karen expounded on it, I could only weep. My heart is so full of I, me's an Mine's. I want what I want. I resent having to be a leader when I SUCK at leadership. I'm disorganized, emotional, controlling, fake my way through just about every decision and wish almost every day that god would just release me and let me slink into the background. UGH. I'm a bawlbaby. But I agonize to remember our member's names and I'm so worried I'll offend someone if I have to look at a nametag of someone I should know well after four conferences. And then there was a feedback sheet. OH MAN. Someone (anonymous--I have my opinion about anonymous criticism, but that doesn't diminish the truth of the venomous words) heard the ACFW "leadership" gossip. OUCH!! I'm sure they heard it. And it was most likely me. Man I have a big mouth. I have stinky opinions that God absolutely hates. Who am I to have opinions about the apple of his eye? Am I closer to his heart than any one of my other brothers and sisters? That's a no brainer. So if that anonymous person is reading this...I apologize from the bottom of my heart and God is dealing with me in certain areas where I can so easily fall into temptation.

Next weekend I'm going to a Joyce Meyer conference in St. Louis, so provided the New Madrid fault behaves and doesn't cause a St. Louis leveling earthquake, I'm expecting to hear from God

I did have some fun moments---Time with Steve Laube during our very unprepared for joint LNC. , a quick conversation with Shannon just before she left and I realized what a kindred spirit she is. NEXT time you're hanging out with us, Shannon! TIme with my editors at different moments. All precious bonding times. Oh my gosh, Rachel mentioned the night we laughed in my suite...our crazy group of sisterchicks...Aheem. ROFLOL Chris you are the best! Listening to Susie read her first chapter of a new series that is embedded deep in her heart and soul and the one that will make her a household name. Dinner with Susan Downs in the suite while the rest of the gang went to watch Gilmore Girls. I'll cherish that evening. Saturday night music practice with Gail, Greg, Susie, and Shadow while poor Billy Wyatt just wanted us to go to bed and Gregory video-taped for the heck of it. By 1 am we were hysterical with laughter and still not getting the timing right for ht efast song. But what FUN. Meeting Heather Tipton in person and stealing her last name for my new heroine. I still bounce with I say Tipton

I hope I learned my lessons and that God continues to mold me, change me, love me, encourage me, make me into the woman He sees when he looks at me. I don't know, I have so far to go.

I probably shared too much. But then I figure only about six people read the blog anyway. :)
And you all already know I'm leadership challenged. ONLY the grace of God....

Love lots.

Another Day

I wasn't crazy about how i left yesterday so I decided to write again and hopefully not bum you out. Today I thought I'd stay in and finish up a rewrite, but as it turned out the print company I use will be closed tomorrow and i needed to get over there today. I leave for Nashville on MONDAY! I can't believe it. Things are coming together. I had to buy a suitcase today. I told the lady in the luggage store to find me a humongous one on wheels so I only have to take one suitcase and my laptop bag. I still have nightmares of running through Denver's dadgum airport last year thinking I'd missed my flight because of those long lines. anyone remember Denver's airport???? Thank God I had Elizabeth with me or I'd have probaby just ended up in a fetal position sucking my thumb while people walked over me. Plus the flight was delayed at the last second because theywere missing a microphone or something to communicate with the tower. Elizabeth and I decided God had worked that out for us.
Crazy!
I'm getting excited. I tried on clothes from last year and some of them still fit. I bought some mix and match items and got my hair done. And tomorrow I'm going to get my nails done. :) I'm turning into a girly girl.

Well, off to spend some time with the kids. Must finish this rewrite of CLAIRE 2 by Sunday night. Must pack, still have a few things to pick up....

Lots to get done. Will definitely be worth it
Peace

Frustration

Rachel blogged about frustration yesterday. Thought I'd add some thoughts.
It never fails as conference time approaches, enemy attacks increase. Of course, it's not all the devil, some of it is just the stress of getting the last bit details done. Days are too short. I don't even want to sleep because there are so many things to do. Finances are a concern and that stresses me more--leaving when I don't want to. Being away from my boys for a week. (at least my daughter is coming with me). One of my group of friends isn't coming to the conference this year and that bums me out.

I'm not resting in the joy of the Lord right now. It seems like everything I do is wrong, everything I say causes hurt or pain, my actions are misunderstood and leave me feeling like a failure. I want to just hide away and not be around anyone. I guess I'm not as changed as I thought I was.

Poured my heart out to someone yesterday and they ignored me. I am sooo mad at myself. I knew better than to expose myself to this person. I KNEW BETTER. UGH. I hate it when I get sucked into opening up only to be made to feel like a fool. Like I don't measure up. I hate that I'm not yet the person I know God is making me to be. I hate that I care what people think, but I do. I DO. My choice: stop being vulnerable and stop being hurt. Or continue being vulnerable and risk being hurt, but in the meantime, maybe be in a position to make a difference for someone else. I guess I know which I'll choose. But for today I'm not past the hurting. It will pass. It did last time, and the time before. And it will again.

Peace