Faith

Yesterday was hard. It was one of those days where I felt like a failure. I cried and wrote in my journal, "Lord, how can I speak to your precious women about trusting and surrender and your ability to make them into the writer you've called them to be, when I so clearly haven't fully surrendered my own plans?"

I got discouraging news yesterday. News that made me feel like I'm not good enough. Like someone whose respect I truly want, just doesn't respect me at all. Ouch. That hurts. I had a day of asking the Lord to please take my hurt. please allow me the grace to keep moving if the answer from Him is "no" to the dream that I truly thought was His idea.

It's easy to be a Barbarian in theory. But when push comes to shove, do I lay down my weapon and give up, or do I hold up my leather shield against the onslaught of arrows coming at me and say, "NO if I fail, I fail trying."

It took all day for me to summon the strength to raise my shield, to flick off the arrows that had been stinging me all day. By the time I was ready to stop feeling sorry for myself, God spoke to my heart and once again assured me that He will complete that which He began in me. I dream so big, that there are going to be disappointments on the way up. There will be setbacks, there will be sore muscles, there will be flesh wounds. But only I decide if the wounds are unto death or annoyances that just make me more determined to stay in and continue to fight for the Heart of my King.

I choose to fight for His glory. I choose to complete my current assignments from him and make them truly something for his Honor.

Today, I wrote and wrote and laughed and enjoyed every word. I thanked the Lord for each word and we created a new character. Together, Jesus and I. A great character that I love. One I'd love to write an entire story around.

Tonight I can shut down my computer knowing I've blessed his heart. I obeyed and wrote toward the completion of another book he's so kindly blessed me with the opportunity to write. I worshipped him with the words today. They were His. I can watch a movie with my husband and go run on my treadmill knowing I've done what He asked of me today--it was a LOT of words--close to 5K.


Thanks for today, Lord. Days like this make days like yesterday worth it.
I'll follow you, Lord. I don't ask for special privileges, or that you'd make things easy, but rather that you make me tough enough to get through the hard times and tender enough to melt my heart to yours when you ask for worship in whatever form that worship takes.

So that's my confession and my praise report.
Whatsoever your hands find to do, do it mightily as unto the Lord.

Fight for the Heart of Your King

I've talked about the book The Barbarian Way before. But I'm reading it again, so it deserves another mention.

The author Erwin Raphael McManus opens the book by talking about Robert the Bruce. The jerk in Braveheart who totally betrayed Mel Gibson. But whatever..(worth a mention, but not the point).

We know that after William Wallace died, Robert the Bruce led the Scots to freedom, but legend tells us (according to McManus--I'm getting all of this from his book, so don't sue me if HE got it wrong. :) )that when the Bruce was dying he asked for a worthy knight to carry his heart into battle. A man surnamed Douglas took up the cause and carried the embalmed heart of the Bruce in a jar around his neck. During a fight he was fatally wounded, but before he died he tossed the jar into the midst of the enemy shouting, "Fight for the heart of your King"

The allegory of course is that we must fight for the heart of OUR King. Jesus.

This book hits me in a core place that just craves barbarism. Don't you ever just want to sit at a rough-hewn wooden table with a half-cooked roasted chicken in front of you, yank off a whole leg quarter and tear at it with your teeth, then drink down a whole pint of ale and burp without saying excuse me? (If you don't and it disturbs you that I do, then you're not a barbarian....yet!)

I'm not very civilized anyway which makes it difficult to feel like I fit in when I go to places where authors, editors, and agents schmooze and talk about smart things that I totally don't get. I just want to live for Jesus. I want to live hard, play hard, and fight hard. It's the Irish peasant in me, I guess. I'm not one to give up. I hang on to what's important to me. And I refuse to shrink away with a cry of "I'm unworthy to be in mere man's presence". Because I know I'm called to carry the Heart of Jesus into battle. He's positioned me for His cause, whatever form my position takes, and I can't shrink back in fear or accept rejection or stop the fight for any reason. I WILL Follow where HE leads even if no one else thinks I should go there. I Know the voice of my King. And I don't give a flip what people expect of me. I'm following Him, if I fail, I fail Him, if I succeed, I succeed for His glory! Man doesn't impress me and I stopped trying to gain approval a long time ago--because most leaders don't like me no matter what I do or how hard I try--I either want to do too much, or I do too little. :)

But Jesus...He's WILD about me. He LOVES that I want to fight for Him. He knows me in this gritty, down to earth place that "man" doesn't get about me. But he sees this potential and keeps letting me carry His heart into battle. He amazes me. I know I'm not fit to carry his heart, but He allows me to anyway.

Jesus...I'm fighting for Your Heart today. Your glory, the prize of seeing you face to face. I don't want to get comfortable and soft, so if that means it's time to step up the game, run harder, figure out a new strategy, pump more iron (metaphoriclly speaking) then you lead and I'll follow your heart. You see, folks, it's not about that next contract, a bigger check, or position of honor. It's just not. Who cares about all that garbage? That's immaterial in the grand scheme of things. It's all about this man who was violently murdered on a cross after hours of torture. This man whose life and death and life again are the very core of that which I base my life and you should too. This man, whose life is my life and whose death is my death and whose Heaven is my gain. It's not about me. It's not about my kids or my husband or my mom or my church. It's all about Him. Yesterday, today, and forever.

"Jesus, I'll follow you to the end, no guarantees asked except you'll be at the end of the road to meet me when I get there. And I will know I have lived my life in truth. Whatever you bring into my life, "Yes" to it."
Ann Keimel I'm Running to Win

A day minus Will

This has been a terrible day! Seriously. Will is at camp. And I keep imagining mean little boys making fun of him. I'm praying for favor and good friends for him. I pick him up at noon tomorrow. Right now I can't imagine driving because my head is spinning. I have the flu. I mean body aching, wheezing, leave me alone honey I'm sick, flu. UPDATE: 10:23 pm!!! WILL just called!!!! From his teacher's cell phone. I'm so happy. My little man is having fun. He talked about canoeing, swimming, hiking, some pirate skit thing about a guy threatening to cut out Kevin's liver (hmmm) And worship. He seems to be having the time of his life. Although, he did disclose some info about a kid who pushed his little brother down the steps. But let me just say...as long as the kid didn't push WILL down the steps, I'll let another mom deal with that child. :) Know what I mean? I'm counting down...11 and a half hours and my boy will come home. I think I'll fix him a great meal to reinforce that east or west, home is best. END OF UPDATE...now back to your regularly scheduled, irrelavent blog....
And my little Chloe just isn't acting like herself since she got that haircut. I don't know...maybe they really did give me the wrong dog. Without a DNA test I can't prove it one way or another.

Finished THE PENNY last night while in a hot bath trying to soak away my aches. I'm a huge fan of Deborah Bedford's and of course I love Joyce Meyer's ministry as well. A good book. Anyone who has followed Joyce Meyer's ministry will see her in the book. I think it was a great collaboration.

I really do love DEAL WITH IT by Paula White. It's usually really hard for me to read an entire nonfiction book written by ministers. I'd rather just watch them preach on TV. HOWEVER, this one I keep picking up and every day I'm actually getting ministered to. I mean every time I pick it up. I'm almost finished. So good...

Rusty's bringing home taco bell for me and pizza for the kids. I don't know what he's eating.
I'm going to shoot for another three hundred words before I crash again.

Peace Out
T

Divine Appointments

We were in IHOP the other morning with the kids. Had a great breakfast. As we were about to leave I noticed two women walking through to a table. One, an elderly woman carried a book I recognized from the print on the cover. It was an old book that I knew as a Lloyd C Douglas book. I have two very similar. The RObe or The Big Fisherman. On my way to the bathroom, I stealthily (like a cat if I do say so myself) glanced at the cover of the book and lo and behold the woman had brought THe Big Fisherman. I casually stopped and mentioned that I recognized the book. She started telling me a story about the author....
He lived in a three story apartment building on the third floor. Every morning he walked down to get his paper and spoke with a composer who lived on the first floor because he was confined to a wheelchair. The man would tap his walking stick on the floor every day and tell Lloyd C Douglas, "That's Middle C" Lloyd would say, "Yes, I know. You told me yesterday and the day before."
The composer said, "What do you think it will be tomorrow."
Lloyd would smile and say, "Middle C"
The composer would nod and say, "Just like God. He's the same yesterday, today, and will be the same tomorrow."

I needed that reminder. I said my goodbyes, thanked her for telling me the story and moved on. I felt like God had spoken to me in that story. I needed the reminder that He never changes. I might change, but God is not moved by my needs, my failures, my successes. He is who he is and he will accomplish whatever He has said He will do.
Isn't that awesome? You know already that I'm without contract at the end of the year and I've been seeking God as to my next project. He reminded me in that encounter to keep my focus on Him and His purposes for me. He will accomplish that which he began in me. I don't have to seek a project. All I have to seek is Him.

I got two reviews today. One fabulous. One not the greatest. Love me/hate me. God will not fall off His throne if one person in 1000 doesn't like my book. It's a good reminder to keep striving to improve with each book.

Had a great interview with Fred at Spirit FM promoting Defiant Heart. I love Fred. His wife is my assistant and he has two beautiful children. I mean unusually beautiful. They are a neat family that I feel blessed to know.

Chloe got shaved today. I think she might be mad at me. I didn't recognize her and couldn't have picked her out of a line up. Ha! Who knows if the groomer gave me the right dog? She's a sweetie though.

And now...my last piece of news...Will went to camp. He's never been away from home other than spending the night with Grandparents. My heart is broken....He didn't cry and beg me not to leave him. I may not recover.

Deb Raney!!! I can't believe you tagged me!!

I've Been Tagged!
Thanks, Deb! This is fun!
1. What's the one book or writing project you haven't yet written but still hope to?
Wow, there really are so many. I want to write Gone With the Wind. I keep getting “close” but so far, no cigars. I don’t know what the deal is.  I don’t think I’m really experienced enough yet to answer this one with any degree of accuracy. I just want to write the next thing God puts on my plate. I’m grateful for each opportunity.

2. If you had one entire day in which to do nothing but read, what book would you start with?Gone With the Wind.
But BESIDES that… my TBR pile is overflowing. I’m dying to read The Living End. I think it’s the last book by Lisa Samson that I still have to read (did I mention I MET her at ICRS this year??) I just read a book by JSB Presumed Innocent or Guilty? Can’t remember which. But OMGosh, it was fabulous!!! So I would read ALL of his backlist in that genre. And if Deb Raney really does write the sequel to After the Rains, that will miraculously tiptoe ahead of the other books in my pile and will definitely be read.
3. What was your first writing "instrument" (besides pen and paper)?My brother (who is blind) had a typewriter. I stared my epic sequel to Gone With the Wind on this amazing machine—when I was about 12.
4. What's your best guess as to how many books you read in a month?NOT enough. And truly if it doesn’t grab me and hold me, it inevitably slips away. This month I’ve been lucky to have been grabbed by James Scott Bell. NO not literally. The aforementioned Book!AND Debbie Bedford's THe PENNY that she's writing with Joyce Meyer. Next up is probably THE ELEVATOR by Angela Hunt
5. What's your favorite writing "machine" you've ever owned?
My Alpha Smart 3000. Bought it used and it’s a great little machine for me because it’s too tempting to google myself and my friends if I’m using a real computer to write. That’s such a fun waste of precious writing time.

6. Think historical fiction: what's your favorite time period in which to read?Civil War. Need you ask?

7. What's the one book you remember most clearly from your youth (childhood or teens)? Gone with the Wind. But BESIDES that obvious answer. Tisha is one of my all time favorite books OH and The Believers by Janice Holt Giles. Oh my goodness. Great book.

Thanks, Deb for the chance to do this. I tag Kathleen Y’Barbo, Cathy Hake, and Susan May Warren. Don’t let me down, girls!!!

Sunburns and new stories

I am enjoying the Drama Queens book. Odd how I'm on the last book when the first one was just released.
We got a new Walmart pop-up pool. 18 feet X 4 feet. decent size. it took us three days to get it ready to swim in because it kept tipping over and losing half the water. Long story....not worth telling.
So yesterday I enjoyed the silence while I worked. Then I realized. DARN the boys have been in the pool all day. Now in my defense....we DID use some heavy duty sunscreen. But after five hours... let's just say I was on double duty applying after burn aloe vera.

Today they are quite red.
So I was browning meat for dinner and I hear one say to the other, "You're the rudolph on the nose of life" (follow me here, will you?)
The other one says, "In that case, you're the Santa on the cheeks of life"

So now you know how badly these poor kids are sunburnt. So today I'm allowing video games without limit (time) and movies galore. I have on headphones so I can still work.
Guilt...quite lucrative as far as they're concerned. KNow what I mean?

Peace and sunscreen
T

Stinky dogs and boys that lose ladles

Okay... so I'm home after being gone almost a full month. First to finish my deadine in Arkansas and then Atlanta for ICRS. When it's all about you for a month you forget that when you get home, it's all about them. It's a nice way of coming down to earth and remembering what true ministry is all about. If I could, I would add to the scriptures, a parenting verse how not to kill your kids when they lose ladles.

Yesterday I ran from shop to shop, trying to find a clear ladle for the punch bowl because my niece was getting married at 6pm and I was aunt of the bride and all around go-fer. Which is a role I cherish. In all honesty.

So I finally find the LAST ladle in the tri-state area, it seems. And I give my 16 year old son a mission. Hold the ladle while I go grab a shirt, because I had spilled coffee on the current one, and buy me a polish sausage at the stand at the mini mall where we were.

So he does great. Gets my polish sausage in record time, brings it to me and we are on our merry way after I change in the mall bathroom. Get to the church reception area where I unload all of the punch stuff I had bought then I look at him. "Okay, where's the ladle"
"What's a ladle?"
"That thing I told you to hold."
"UH--I'll go look in the SUV."
"Good idea."
INSERT FEELING OF IMPENDING DOOM
He comes back ultra fast.
Wouldn't it be in the VF bag?'
"No, son. That was the bag I put my coffee-stained shirt in after I changed."
"Oh." Pause.
FEELING OF IMPENDING DOOM MIXING WITH FEELING OF WANTING TO SMACK LONG_HAIRED TEEN SON
He says, "I am 99% sure I dropped it somewhere."
Who can hang onto the desire to smack the boy when he gives me THAT grin?
SIGH> Well, at least he DID get the polish sausage. And my friend came through with finding a ladle from one of her aunts. But GEE WHIZ. Everyone's a star at ICRS. NOT SO MUCH when one gets home. :) Still, I'd rather be home
My puppy missed me. She is so big now, my little Chloe. And like a rowdy four year old boy. Into everything and for now, her hair is long and she stinks. I'm getting her shaved this week and want to put a bow in her hair to see if she'll act a little more ladylike.
Am reading Deal with it, by Paula White and THE PENNY by Deborah Bedford and Joyce Meyer
I highly recommend both books.
I'm writing That's "Not Exactly" Amore, the third Drama QUeens book.

God is good. I am content. I have no complaints.
"Lord I'll follow you to the end. NO guarantees asked except that you'll be at the end of the road to meet me when I get there and I will know that I have lived my life in truth. Whatever you bring "yes to it" To anything you bring in my life."
Ann Keimel

Peace out

If God doesn't go with me I'm not moving!!

Had a really good talk with a friend yesterday morning about whether to move forward with an opportunity that may or may not be a divine appointment. By move forward I mean, pursuing the opportunity or letting it go and seeing what happens. :) Often God wants us to step out in pursuit, sword weilded and ready to fight for what He has laid on our hearts. Other times we get to hear a sweet whisper of wait...don't move...let Me work. Just trust.

I have always been one to go on the offense, to do everything I can to make things happen and then leave the results to God. He has a way of closing doors if it's not His will. But I seem to have entered into a new rest. This week at ICRS, way too many doors opened for me to walk through them all. And I know from experience that my pushing has gotten me overworked and overcomitted and, quite frankly, overwhelmed in the past. I'm finally caught up and breathing and loving on my kids and not ready to push, prod, and poke my way into bearing an Ishmael.

SO new resolution....
No more pursuit of dreams, money, prestige or that ONE publisher I'm dying to write for...from now on my pursuit is focused on one heart and that's the Heart of God.
I'm waiting on Isaac. My promise, my dream, the thing that will bring most glory to God and will begin the fulfillment of HIS plans for this daughter of His.

I don't have a new contract after December. I'm usually booked up two years ahead, so this makes me a little nervous (I guess not too-too nervous, I haven't sent out proposals). But as I told my friend yesterday, If God doesn't give me clear direction, I'm simply not going to step. I have been walking on water for four years now. Jumping out by faith and God has ALWAYS honored those steps. But right now I'm working on my next deadline, will faithfully turn in a manuscript to the best of my ability, on time, and I'm also writing a book of my heart without a contract. YES writer friends (I heard that horrified gasp). No contract. I may not even ever sell this work. I'm honestly writing it as an act of worship between God and myself. It's my quiet time, my worship time, my intimacy with God. But Many years ago I fell in love with the story of God's faithful love for a faithless bride. And I have it on my heart to write a Hosea, Gomer allegory in contemporary times. I may be the only one ever to read it. But I need to do this as my own worship to God. My own thanks for His relentless pursuit and love for this faithless daughter and drawing me into an intimacy that gives me eyes for only Him.

And you know what? God will meet all of my need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. So if I enter into January 2008 with nothing on the docket...that's okay. Because if God isn't going with me, I'm simply not going. I have to know that my feet are on Daddy's feet and He's leading the dance.

And guess what? That's a safe place to be.
This life I live is for His glory, not mine. I sort of forgot that for just a little while.

Peace out

I'm Going Home---eventually...

Today I woke up and had breakfast with a couple of friends, then went to THe Margaret Mitchell house with another friend and took the tour. For those of you living under a rock, Margaret Mitchell wrote Gone with the Wind. Did you know they;ve released it again with a new cover? So of course, the four copies I have were not enough. Anyhoo. Got some gifts to bring home (mostly for myself but one thing for my mom--can't say what it was because she'll read this blog before I get out of the Atlanta airport.)-----WHICH brings me to the reason for the subject line...

Storm delays....was supposed to leave 4:30 eastern. Instead now they're saying 5:40. I'm ready to go home. Might should have done an earlier flight, which I really usually do anyway. But darn it, I really wanted to go to the Margaret Mitchell House. Kathleen Y'Barbo and I rubbed the lion's head that Margarte Mitchell used to rub every day for luck. As random as publishing success is, I figured it couldn't hurt.

I miss Chris, Suz, Rachel, Even Steve Laube. :)
I miss everyone. But so glad to be going home. This is going to be my last trip until I do a short two day thing in AUgust teaching at the TUlsa ACFW group. Then Joyce Meyer conference in Sept. FUN! Oh BTW, Rhonda. Email me.

Battery is going. Doggone it.
Hugs and kisses from the Atlanta airport.
T

I'm at ICRS this week. Got in yesterday about noon and got to my hotel around 2.
Then caught up with buds Rachel and Suzie and went to the convention floor to get our badges (saves time to do it the night before). Suz and Rachel both had dinners so I hooked up with publicist extraordinaire, Jeane Wynn and had dinner with her and her great husband Tyson. Later, joined BACK up with Rach and Suz for a time. I am seeing SOOO many familiar faces. Chip and Camy Tang, Cindy Woodsmall, Ted Dekker, Karen Kingsbury, Terri Blackstock!
But remember how obsessed I am with Lisa Samson? On the way in to get our badges, Suz said, Oh look there's Lisa. I actually started shaking. Lisa? Lisa who. Wait is that....?
They looked at me like I'm not quite all there, and said, Samson. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I have to meet her. Someone introduce us.....NOW! :)
And they did, and she is AWESOME.....her family is amazing and I'm in love (in a non-weirdo way).

Today Was a GREAT day...woke up planning to go to THe MArgaret Mitchell house, but felt like the Lord told me go to the convention. So I obeyed. And I'm so glad I did. My best friend Chris Lynxwiler (of the Arkansas retreat of a few weeks ago), walked the floor with me. I got Terri Blackstock's new book. Angela Hunts new book, Camy Tang!!!!!! Her new book is out.

I had a TV interview (YES TV. I about died)at 3pm for Faith TV, on Sky Angel. We discussed Catch a Rising Star and the Drama Queens series. FUN!! It was THE best TV interview I've ever had. And she gave me a fabulous interview. So thank you RANDI if you read this.

Tomorrow is the launch party for Avon Inspire. I'm so honored to be sitting next to Linda Windsor as the fellow launch author for this incredible new venture for the line. We will be on display to sign and smile. (:) ) I'm looking forward to it. Linda had lunch with Chris and me today and it was so awesome to sit there with her. I was a big fan of hers before I ever thought about writing a book, so to be a fellow launch author of a whole new series is one of the most exciting things ever to happen to me.

Tonight is dinner with the Harper Collins folks (including Linda, I believe--so twice in a day!). And tomorrow is my big booksigning day with Harper and Faithwords.

Well, my sweet husband, Rusty just called and I took a break from writing this blog to talk to him. He was praying for me while I had the interview. What a great man God has blessed me with.

Until next time....

Home and loving it

Hi all,

Well, I am caught up on all deadlines for the first time since December and let me tell you, it feels good!

I got home Monday afternoon after three weeks away from my kids and Rusty. It was horrible being away from them, but I knew God's hand was on us all and that I was doing what was necessary to be able to get back on a deadline schedule that glorifies God (in other words, MEETING DEADLINES) and pleases the editors God has given me to help me in my career--not to mention my agent who blames all of his stress and eventual need for therapy on me.

Next week I fly to Atlanta. Actually this Sunday. I'm signing for Avon Inspire and Hachette and doing a TV interview while I'm there. Also visiting friends and catching up!! I'm excited to go, but dreading it just the same. Home six days and off again. The kids are NOT thrilled. But we're having a great time this week and even though I'm having to work some, it's not all consuming because I'm caught up (have I mentioned that I'm caught up!).

Hugs to all. thanks for the prayers and support!
Tracey